


my private life (come and get me out of here)

by half_boiled_extreme



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hogwarts, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-17
Updated: 2018-07-23
Packaged: 2018-11-14 20:55:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 18,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11216121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/half_boiled_extreme/pseuds/half_boiled_extreme
Summary: He dropped into the seat next to me, then moved closer. And closer still.“A game,” I said, and moved away from him, both embarrassed and paralyzed with fear.“Cool,” the boy commented, leaning forward, bursting with questions. “Is it muggles’? Can I watch? I’m Kuroo Tetsurou,” he added after a brief consideration, and I’ve never heard anyone declare their name with so much pride.It must be good to be Kuroo Tetsurou, I thought as he smiled, looking endearingly, sincerely interested.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I have accidentally hit Post previously before it was done, panicked and deleted it to now post it again, and I’m sorry if I caused any misunderstanding, or if anyone’s seen it at all!
> 
> This is a modern Hogwarts AU, kuroken-centric, so the others are only mentioned in passing (but bokuaka is love).

_Do I_ really _have to do this,_ I thought, looking around on the platform that was not to be – though “around” mostly meant “around my feet”, for only it was safe enough – _sane_ enough.

I had just come through a wall, and the fact of it did not get me yet; there is a lot about that day that didn’t get me, and a lot that I didn’t get, and a lot of it I don’t even properly remember, but the feeling of lowkey panic came to haunt me countless times that year.

My parents were telling me something, something important probably, but I didn’t really listen – or rather tuned out their worries and admonitions, and that did not leave much. I think I was still waiting for them – for anyone – to tell me that it was all a joke, an elaborate, well-prepared joke, but all around me were people talking gibberish very seriously, animals emitting all kinds of animal noises, and a huge vintage-looking steam engine waiting for me to board it.

I wasn’t sure I liked it, but it did inspire certain excitement in me, building up with every minute I spent next to it. 

Or maybe I was just catching up on all the craziness around me. 

The engine puffed out a huge cloud of smoke; the pet carrier in my hands shook and meowed viciously, and my mother smiled a lovely smile at me, telling me for the hundredth time that I was going to be all right. Father looked very disturbed for some reason, which made me want to get aboard that train even sooner.

I managed a smile, and they finally let me off. I even waved; at the age of 11, I already found it all unnecessary.

Struggling with my carrier, I tried to remember where they put my trunk. It all looked the same – good, but the same, and weird, and all kinds of things. It vaguely reminded me of a game I used to play, and game interiors like these never really promised anything good. Ever.

When I finally got to it, there was another boy in my compartment; he looked up at me, distracted from his book for the briefest moment, and then nodded. Precisely the amount of human interaction I was looking for.

I placed the carrier with my overly displeased cat on the small table, and the plastic looked weird in the all-natural, wood-and-fabric interior. Desperately trying to be Victorian. Heck, it could as well _be_ Victorian. It probably was, but I tried not to think too hard about that. 

I muttered some nonsensical comforting words to the cat – I kept referring to her as simply “the cat”. We never got along that well, both settling for quiet, mutually respectful disregard. I felt bad for her: I had no idea what I was supposed to do with a cat in a castle, and I couldn’t think of any reasons she would stay with me at all, but I tried to see all this as a game, because games were something I was confident in. A magical game with me as the protagonist, and magical protagonists always had familiars. 

It helped, but only a little. Having a pet seemed to be a custom of some sort. Everything seemed to be a custom here, and it annoyed me, for I was not part of it. I could not believe how real it was; a whole world beside me, always next to me, around me, and I knew nothing of it. If they wanted to teach me anything, they should have started several years earlier.

The rails hummed softly beneath us. I let the cat out; she sighed, loudly, as if she were making a point, and turned into a sleepy bread loaf, silent but deadly. The boy paid no attention to us. Was there a social protocol for this that I missed, I wondered. Was I supposed to start a conversation? Introduce myself? What did these people talk about? Regular – _muggle,_ I reminded myself – talk posed enough challenge to me. What to start with with this lot I had no idea, but the boy made no effort either, staring seemingly blankly into his book, completely still but for his eyes, so I put it out of my mind.

I had a game to finish, after all, and it concerned me more; I fished my handheld out of my backpack and launched it as silently as I could.

“You’re not supposed to bring that, you know,” the boy commented, sending my heart all the way down to my heels.

He had a nice, steady voice.

“I know,” I said stubbornly without looking up, “I’m going to be done before we arrive. The battery will not hold any longer anyway.”

This was not how it was supposed to be. I wondered if what I was saying even sounded like coherent speech; I highly doubted it, but the boy shrugged and turned back to his book. I studied him, sneakily, – black hair, eyes judging but uninterested, all composure; he couldn’t be older than me. A first-year, too, by the looks of him, and for a moment I caught myself full of questions I could – and even wanted – to ask, but that would be rude. 

The game waited. Fragile peace settled between us and carried on.

...Or so I thought, for not more than half an hour later the door opened violently from the outside to reveal another boy, so loud and frantic and so unnecessarily agitated that I had to take a double look, which was, undeniably, a mistake I came to regret immediately.

“Hey have you seen Ya–” he started to say, seemingly uncaring who even was in the compartment, but then his eyes locked on me. I could almost see how something clicked inside his brain, something that screamed trouble. “What. Is. This,” he demanded, loudly and all too excited.

He dropped into the seat next to me, then moved closer. And closer still.

“A game,” I said, and moved away from him, both embarrassed and paralyzed with fear.

“Cool,” the boy commented, leaning forward, bursting with questions. “Is it muggles’? Can I watch? I’m Kuroo Tetsurou,” he added after a brief consideration, and I’ve never heard anyone declare their name with so much pride.

It must be good to be Kuroo Tetsurou, I thought as he smiled, looking endearingly, sincerely interested. 

I had nowhere to move now. Struggling would only make it worse.

“Kozume Kenma,” I answered, my eyes fixed on the screen again. It was mine, and I still had control over it – I was only beginning to understand that control over anything here was a luxury. “Okay. If you don’t talk.”

A silence followed. Kuroo Tetsurou nodded enthusiastically, the still-nameless boy with the book sighed, and I pressed start. I had at least half a year without holding anything reassuringly digital or plastic ahead of me, and I was determined to make the best out of the hours I was left, even if it meant sharing them with a dangerously animated stranger.

Of course he talked. His promise held exactly fifteen minutes, first disrupted with various degrees of delight and interest. I tried to ignore him, envying the ease with which the third boy gave no damn about what was going on around him. 

Fifteen minutes until the questions started.

“Are you a muggle?” He asked.

“No,” I answered. _Obviously._ As far as I understood it, muggles did not ride magic trains to magic castles with trunks filled with Houdini-themed stuff. Was he an idiot, or just a jerk? 

He endured another ten minutes. Then,

“Does it really have no magic in it?”

“None.”

“Not even a charm?”

“No.”

“Do all muggles play this?”

“No.”

“Is it hard to play?”

“Not really.”

“Is it interesting? Can I try?”

Completely oblivious to my lack of effort to keep the conversation alive. He was either really a jerk, I decided, or had social skills as terrible as I did, but on the opposite side of the spectrum.

“More or less. You can’t,” I answered, dealing the fatal blow to the bunch of pixels that were the boss, which gave out a little electric squeal that was supposed to be an inhuman cry of despair maybe, and died pathetically while the protagonist watched it perish in silence. 

Kuroo Tetsurou kept his mouth blissfully shut during the cutscene. And a bunch of closing dialogs. And another cutscene, and even for a while after the Game Over screen flashed and died out, too. 

“You’re so cool,” he finally said when I put away the handheld. It didn’t sound like an insult, but how do you even respond to that, I wondered. “What now?”

“Nothing,” I shrugged. My watch told me that I only managed to kill an hour and a half. Which were like torture and still left me with nothing better to do than look out of the window at the amazing but monotonous landscape, and not that it was a good day for that, either.

With no game to stare into, Kuroo Tetsurou decided to stare everywhere else. I could feel how hard it was for him to stay put when he was excited – and since there wasn’t much stuff in the compartment, he turned, again, to me. I was used to people not noticing me, to being overlooked – I was ace at being invisible – and such a surge of attention was uncomfortable. If I knew what harassment was then, I would have said I was definitely harassed.

“Do you play any sports?” He tried, unwrapping a tremendously realistic, animated chocolate frog. It came with a card, and after a momentary distraction he stared back at me with dangerously burning intent.

I played FIFA on my PlayStation.

“No,” I said, glad that this dialog required little input from me.

“I play quidditch,” Kuroo proclaimed, proving me right. “I’m gonna try for the team this year. Not that they’d take in a second-year, I don’t think, but I’m gonna try every year from now on.” There was so much honor in him; telling him that I knew next to nothing about quidditch, starting with how it was spelled, was not a good idea, but he sounded so serious, which was as funny as it was scary, and I had to say at least something.

“Um... good luck?” I offered, which seemed to cheer him up: he smiled broadly, thanking me and encouraging to come watch him, and I nodded, making a mental note never to approach a quidditch pitch unless it was completely necessary or totally unavoidable in the face of death.

“My friends are probably looking for me now,” he sighed, as if apologetically, and it sounded like a promise of leaving. He was now staring at my cat instead of me, and she stared back at him; they seemed to share some form of mutual understanding that I did not like at all. “Have you thought about which House you are going to be in yet?” He asked; he was full of questions. “I’m a Slytherin, you know. It would be cool if you were in my House! You’ll love it, I swear,” Kuroo Tetsurou assured me, pleased with himself. “Well, see ya,” he added haphazardly before storming off.

With England – or was it Scotland already? – running alongside the train, I dozed off little by little; I dreamed of being awake and woke up hours later, exhausted, to the same scene I left, except my companion now wore robes and it was dark outside. Clumsily, I changed into mine, too, gave the cat a snack and watched the late evening unfold, finally admitting that I was less prepared than I thought for what – and who – laid ahead.

[[[]]]

My first impressions of Hogwarts were outright paranoid.

No matter where you were, you could never be alone. Or be sure you were alone. Though a large castle housing not that many people, Hogwarts was crowded. There were areas closed for entry. Unspoken rules that some students only hung out someplace and never got to hang out someplace else. Some areas were too windy; some were too hot; some were too noisy, and others eerily silent. You slept with four other people in the room; you ate with the whole school and professors present, moved between classes with other students and were forced to talk to them in class. It was an overwhelming lot of human and sometimes inhuman interaction, and it was not going that well.

I got into Slytherin – apparently it was either something to be proud of or something to avoid. I did not know why it was so important; it was meant to tell something about you as a person it seemed, but I did not know what exactly yet.

It was also the House of that annoying kid from the train. I put off thinking about him, too, and how we always seemed to be in the same places at the same times. The quiet boy was sorted into Ravenclaw, and we took Potions and Herbology together. It was sort of a mutually beneficial deal: we never talked much except when necessary, and we made a good duo. Seeing how everybody else was struggling, I tried not to think what kind of disasters another partner would bring to my perfectly balanced potions.

I almost learned not to panic; I was good at staying low and playing by the rules, and I stuck to that, except I had to figure it out all by myself. This was how this world operated, I guessed: they throw you in and you either drown or start swimming, even though they would tell you how friendly and nice they all are and how they’re here to make you comfortable. Maybe they were, and maybe they tried their best, but most of the time I was making things up as I went, and classes were the least of my concerns.

In the absence of games I turned to books; some of them were tricky and others were too heavy or not transportable at all – it was pure luck that they were the most boring of them all. Once I read the textbooks I turned to practice, and when there was nothing left to practice on my own I tried exploring. I became friends with my cat and I found a nice place to hide in the garden. I still kept as far away from most of the students as was safe, but it was not that easy when there were about ten people in your class and you tended to get grades way above average while staring intensely, if stealthy, at everything, wondering why your parents ever thought it was a good idea to hide the existence of _everything_ from you. The only explanation to this I could come up with was that they were not confident in me enough to be sure I was a wizard like my mother, taking after my muggle father instead, which did not qualify them as particularly good parents and wasn’t true anyway: I was homeschooled since I was about seven precisely due to the fact that strange things kept occurring when I was in the room, and the other kids were freaking out.

Not that I blamed them; I was freaking out myself.

I questioned every little thing I did. I had to remember the smallest incidents from my childhood that led me to where I was now, and it only got more and more confusing. I had to construct and reconstruct the world around me from scratch; there were muggle-born children there, for sure, but they did not have that sticky feeling of betrayal, and I didn’t want to talk to them – or anybody, really.

But as I kept to myself I kept an eye out. I noticed social transactions, and I heard people talking and followed their dynamics: figuring people out was something I was good at, I found, but being part of a team was not.

I was not aware of the fact that I was jealous until late autumn that painted everything coppery brown. A third-year shoved me aside in the corridors; annoyed, I took a step back. I didn’t shout past him – them, in fact, for there were four – there was no animosity, no nothing: I knew I was in the way. That kid had probably never even noticed me, consciously at least, and they clearly had important business to attend to in more important places. With other kids, probably.

I was angry, but not enough; it kindled in me, the anger, the offense, but more than anything the wish to belong. I wanted places to be in with people who noticed me. There weren’t many of those, of course. Exactly one, if I didn’t count Akaashi the Potions Partner and the general flow of classmates I exchanged _Hello’_ s with. But that was something, and that something was worth a shot.

What I didn’t know was that making a decision was ultimately less scary and not as hard as acting upon it, and watching people be all friendly with each other was easier than actually coming up to someone and striking up a conversation that did not involve homework. So I waited, and waited, and waited again, trying to muster at least some courage to cover up my fear, and nothing happened except that I quickly found myself in a situation where I was basically stalking my own stalker.

I didn’t want to admit it at the start of the year, and then I got used to it and tuned him out; now I was looking around the corners not warily but expectantly before I knew it, and listened to echoes of his voice down the halls. His constant presence was, in a way, comforting. I stopped ignoring his greetings that always came with a grin, persistent as they were; I settled for a nod at first, then tried to toss in a smile, which must have turned out creepy. I tried to read about quidditch, but it was too much information too soon, and I wasn’t that good with the broom, so it was pointless; by the time I got interested the tryouts have already passed, but I didn’t think he’d make the team even as reserve, so I figured it didn’t matter anyway. 

“Hey,” Kuroo Tetsurou said one day, seating himself next to me in the Great Hall, with all his books and wand and everything, including – of course – a broom (why did he have a broom?), as if he were that one person everyone was waiting for. I set my own book aside.

“What do you want,” I asked, defensively, looking around in case his friends were watching, but we were alone – if you didn’t count the buzzing non-silence rising as people flooded the Hall.

“Lunch,” he replied, with a smile I caught by the tail. “Pass me the bread, by the way. Salad?” He asked, and I shook my head, to which he replied by putting some salad on my empty plate nevertheless. “It’s good for your health. Lasagna?”

I nodded on autopilot; the whole situation was as bizarre as the first time we met, but worse. He talked to me not like to a stranger but as if we were already friends, and of the best kind at that. I wondered if he were like this with everyone, and if he got into fights a lot, even though he didn’t look the part.

“Did you make the team?” I asked out of courtesy: eating in silence was even more uncomfortable than an awkward exchange like this.

His eyes lit up. “You remembered!” He exclaimed, and I almost rolled my eyes – my father did that a lot, and I hated it, but really, did he think I was an idiot who forgot everything people told me? “No, but it’s all right, I didn’t expect to anyway. Bokuto laughed at me for two weeks straight, though.”

I didn’t ask who this Bokuto was, but suspected him to be the weird and awfully loud Hufflepuff boy who had an owl as big as his head for a pet, because he was pretty much the only non-Slytherin I consistently saw with Kuroo Tetsurou, and there was no one named Bokuto in our House.

“And he didn’t even try, so he doesn’t get to talk!” He sped on; I didn’t know what I could contribute to this, so I concentrated on my generous share of lasagna and salad. “But honestly! I was looking for you.”

“What.”

“I’ve seen you at your Flying lesson.”

Oh no.

“You were terrible. How are you going to play quidditch like this?”

“I am quite positive I am not going to play quidditch. Ever.”

“I will teach you. No, really. I can see you’ve got potential, and I need a partner for practice.”

“There are a lot of second-years, and I don’t even get the rules. Not to mention I’m neither allowed, nor have, a broom.”

“Come on. I’ll lend you mine. You still have to pass Flying, and we have a match with Ravenclaw soon. Who ever misses any of the Inter-House matches? No one, I’m telling you.”

“Then I’ll be the first to.” How could I ever think that talking to him was a good idea?

“Look, let’s make a deal. I’ll show you how to ace that broom, and you’ll go with me to the opening match. That’s all.”

He was looking at me, closely and daringly, and it made this wait for an answer on my part even worse. I couldn’t say no, it seemed, for I really sucked with a broom, not to mention the school-provided brooms worked funny, but I couldn’t say yes either. If bringing a broom to school was against the rules for first-years, did it make practicing outside of class illegal, too? And how was he expecting to teach me in this weather and so many eyes everywhere?

No, it was ridiculous. A tremendously bad idea. We were probably both going to get a detention and have his broom confiscated if we were caught. Maybe that’d teach him something, at least.

“Well?” He asked. “It’s just a match. I’m not asking you to throw quaffles yet.”

I shuddered at the “yet”; the match was the last on my quickly expanding list of problems.

“…Okay,” I finally said, defeated, and he beamed at me, which I took as the worst omen ever.

[[[]]]

Next afternoon I found myself standing next to Kuroo Tetsurou and in front of a door in the process of rapid emergence from a wall. He was holding his broom and grinning, but it was dreadful – not the door itself but the sound it made, of walls crumbling down and stones falling and the world generally dying. 

The door was not a problem. Technically, even the training itself was not a problem. That I would manage just fine. What I was really worried about was getting caught.

I would soon discover that this feeling was, along with many other things, to stay with me for a long time.

“Cool, I know, right?” Kuroo Tetsurou asked me, grinning, as he stepped in, inviting me with him, – and I followed, the thought of staying behind utterly terrifying.

“What’s this?” I asked as the doors slid back closed behind me, with considerably less noise.

“Welcome,” he announced, “to the Room of Requirement.” He hopped on his broom to hover smoothly above the floor. It was, I had to admit, pretty impressive – if a little too showy. “Or so I hear they call it. It’s there when you need it. Obviously.”

“Is it why we had to walk like idiots in front of it? So it knew this?”

He shrugged dismissively.

“What if someone else needs it?”

“Dunno. They’ll have to wait, I guess. Don’t think too much about it. It’s magic!”

“Okay,” I said, and felt stupid.

The Room was... not that much of a room and more of a ballroom, a really really big something with walls high and ceiling higher, so high you could... 

“You could fly here,” I half said, half whispered, making Kuroo laugh.

“Of course you could. Can. That’s why we’re here, remember? Come on,” he grinned again and sped, quite flashily, somewhere towards the back of the room, where a fireplace burned, and I had to follow.

“Here you go,” Kuroo said once I stood next to him again; he was on his feet, with the broom lying on the floor between us. He was pointing to it, as if inviting me. “Try it.”

I frowned, but complied. I didn’t know much about people, but something told me that with the enthusiastic lot like Kuroo Tetsurou it was easier to go with the flow.

“Up,” I said softly, and the broom obeyed, flying gently into my palm. The wood was soft, and smooth, and balanced, and it twitched lightly, as if waiting for action. I stared at it, feeling the faintest tingles of fascination light up in me, and I wasn’t sure I liked them.

“Right?” Kuroo laughed. “I honestly don’t know why they insist on keeping those ancient brooms for class. I mean, they’re dangerous. Maybe there’s some thought process behind it, but I don’t get it. Now, hop on.”

I regarded him with ill-concealed distrust that outweighed my curiosity for a moment, but the truth was I wanted to be on that broom, and I wanted to find out what flying was like when you weren’t struggling to keep in the air in the first place.

And so I did.

The broom quivered slightly as I fastened my grip on it, but held me up, to its owner’s – and my – surprise. I looked at him, unsure what to do next, then carefully leaned to the side, setting the direction and slowly passing Kuroo, who grinned as if I set a record or something. 

“See? I knew you could do it! Now,” he summoned the ugly thing they made us learn on, and effortlessly floated next to me in no time, “follow me up.”

[[[]]]

I didn’t know how long we were there – it’s not easy to keep track of time in a windowless space. Judging from how tired I was, and how everything hurt, it could have been hours, but we made it in time for dinner so it must have been two at best. 

I knew how to fly now, I thought, with alarming confidence. Kuroo even made me fly the awful – and I never knew someone could think of so many ways to describe how awful something was as Kuroo Tetsurou did – school broom in the end, and it obeyed me, too. Or I could have been high on my achievements (actually flying; turning without falling down, and speeding up without stopping into a wall) on a decent thing that the dreaded school broom didn’t seem that bad, but either way it went way better than I expected.

I thought of the broom as a joystick, but kept it to myself; it seemed quite a lot of trouble to try and describe to Kuroo what a joystick was, and all I wanted to do was get some food and maybe at least pretend to read the paragraph for tomorrow’s Potions. 

We dropped his broom at the dorm, and he stormed off somewhere else, leaving me with books and notes and a dull but growing ache I was not accustomed to. He joined me for dinner that day, and for breakfast the next day, and the day after that. He caught me between classes and told me how to handle professors and tests; he told me jokes and introduced me to his friends (I wasn’t sure I liked that), and our lives somehow clicked together.

Slowly, steadily, we got used to each other; it wasn’t easy, but it was thorough, with him teaching me all the magical things that were still puzzling but came naturally, and I didn’t notice how fast and how readily my heart responded to this loud, intrusive bundle of blunt force that was Kuroo Tetsurou. It amused me how much he didn’t know about the world that lived and breathed side by side with his; he never made fun of things that mattered – or used to matter – to me, of my games and TV and cars and all the gravest things the magical people were spared of (I later found out they had a chanted jeep, and that everything was not quite ordinary when it came to his house), and he never ceased to amaze me with the little details this strange castle had to offer. I never noticed when the last traces of my muggliness disappeared, but I thought of home less and less, and even the memories of my parents began to fade with the time.

[[[]]]

We still had a deal, and it was a cold November day when it was my turn to fulfill it. The sun shone brightly for once, sparing us from the usual rain and highlighting the colorful sea, green clashing with blue and bursts of red and yellow complementing them. 

I caught a glimpse of Akaashi, calm as ever, but he disappeared as fast as he emerged from the waves of rich blue, and I was swept away by the overly enthusiastic Kuroo, who guided me to where his friends were seated – save for Bokuto, who was apparently lost somewhere at Ravenclaw’s stand. It was fine with me; I was positive I would not endure watching a game with two quidditch freaks by my side. 

I learned that day that everyone was a quidditch freak. Just... not that much.

I summoned everything Kuro taught me about the rules as the game started, panicking, but it was way easier to follow when actual players were in the air, and with Kuro’s helpful comments I was on it before the score reached 50 – not in our favor.

Both teams were new and it showed; the match started slowly, and it didn’t take a quidditch pro to tell they weren’t used to playing with each other. The ravens were quick to attack, but their aim was a bit off and aided by the sun that played tricks on our defense; it was pure luck, it seemed, that we managed to take control of the Bludgers and used them generously. It was not a great sight, though.

“We won’t win like that,” I shouted to Kuro, who was getting more and more frustrated at the score of 150 to 100; realistically, the gap was not that great, but it kept growing, and we hadn’t scored once in the last half an hour. “Our Chasers have no idea what they’re doing. They’re both trying to show off.”

It was true; one of them was a newcomer, and he tried to steal the spotlight from the seventh-year, who in her turn tried to get him out of her way. It was understandable, but did not facilitate our win in any way and made them easy targets. 

“At least the Beaters seem to be in perfect harmony,” I commented dryly as one of them threw a particularly violent blow at an opposing Chaser, and the other saved our Keeper from an equally violent blow from the other team. They high-fived each other, and one of them took a revenge blow to his leg. 

“Just marvelous,” Kuro returned, gloomy. Even Yaku looked scary next to him.

“When were the trials again? Sure they had time to mesh. Do they even have a strategy?” His mood transferred to me; I could not believe what I was seeing after he told me with so much pride how good we were.

“I was sure they did,” our stand left out a collective relieved sigh as our Keeper saved us from another ten points, “but not anymore.”

Our captain called a timeout; the balls went down and the murmurs went up, soon replaced by a powerful Ravenclaw chant as we watched the Chasers get into a lazy fight with the captain between them. I was sorry for her: whatever got that Chaser on the team wasn’t showing at the game at all, throwing the whole team into chaos instead, and it was not what a captain would like to know in the middle of an opening match. 

“I don’t think we’ll get far with that guy on the team,” I said as they flew up again.

“I think we have to be on that team instead,” Kuro echoed, and I didn’t even comment on either the “we” or the statement itself.

[[[]]]

We won that match, but the joy of it lasted less than Kuro’s determination to get us both on the team next year. And the year after that. And when he and Yaku made it, his life goal became bringing me into it, too.

We read a lot of books on strategy, and practiced when we could. It was an unnecessarily violent game, but it was fun in its own way, I guessed; I never endorsed Kuro with it, but it came naturally that we were a unit, best friends who did everything together – and he needed me there for some reason, so it was easier to humor him than deal with his upset state on a daily basis. I would choose playing sports games on my PlayStation over moving at all at any time, but Kuro did not believe in passive leisure, so when it turned out that we lived literally two blocks apart, he started coming to our house to drag me outside, to great delight of my mother and bewilderment of my father, who made a surprising effort to buy all the games he thought I would be interested in through the year for me to play on holidays.

I appreciated it, but it was weird how he clung to what I used to like and how he was against everything I came to like at Hogwarts; he probably felt alienated, the only muggle among us, but we were still family, and if he married my witch mother, why couldn’t he come to terms with his son being a wizard, too?

It should probably have concerned me more, I knew, but staying over at Kuro’s to train in their chanted backyard or having him stay over to make him play my games or just chill was way more interesting to me, and I let it all slide. My mother loved him, and his parents were always nice, not only housing me from time to time but even driving us both to King’s Cross when our car broke down and then just because... between all that I had neither time nor will to care about my father being salty about things not staying the way he was used to.

I made new friends and I made the team, but it all mostly got down to the two of us anyway, with Yaku first occupied with a very eager, very loud Russian and then made prefect, and Bokuto thankfully deciding to spend most of his time terrorizing Akaashi, who accepted it gracefully and balanced him out somehow, even though nothing could stop the madness that ensued when the four of us hung out together.

Everything was fine until my fifth year.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things will speed up in the next chapter, I promise!
> 
> Some obligatory quick headcanons nobody asked for:  
> Kuroo’s favorite subjects are DADA and Care of Magical Creatures, both of which he takes with Bokuto, and he’s good at Transfiguration;  
> Kenma is not good with animals but obviously aces Potions, Charms and Transfiguration, too;  
> Kuroo and Bokuto are totally getting detentions now and then because making trouble is in their blood;  
> I had such a hard time deciding on their positions, but Kuroo and Kenma are probably Chasers, with Yaku backing them up as the Seeker (I am convinced that liberos in general would make great Seekers), while Yamamoto is definitely a Beater; Bokuto plays for his House as a Chaser, too;  
> there are a lot of Asians at Hogwarts because AU logic, thank you very much.


	2. Chapter 2

It was such a nice, lovely summer – one when we all somehow hung out together sometimes, in different combinations, and it was rewarding rather than annoying or intrusive. A good summer filled with your typical teenage moments, straight out of a textbook, if only a little unconventional.

It was the summer I introduced Kuro to mobile technology by making him play Pokémon Go with me – which was weird and quite exhaustive under the surprisingly scorching heat but proved to be one of the most exciting series of trips around the neighborhood ever. Not that it was a hard result to achieve in a suburban area.

We got tired of it in a week, almost as soon as we got in.

It was the summer I made Mom dye my hair, all to Kuro’s amusement and Father’s being very much torn apart between scandalized and grateful that she hadn’t just _charmed_ it blond, which would probably be so much easier and allegedly not result in Bokuto discovering muggle hair products so convenient for his daily owl impersonation. 

It was also the last summer I spent decisively not in love with my best friend, and it ended, quite ironically, as we honored it with a lunch out on the last of the bright days of fall when it occurred to me that something was very vaguely very wrong. 

As all major discoveries go, it started small.

We were goofing around under a big tree, taking advantage of the last rays of warmth. Well, actually Kuro and Bokuto were having an animated discussion about DADA, Akaashi listened closely while pretending to be reading, and I just concentrated on my pie since I already heard it all before: I was the one who Kuro polished this on.

“Look, that’s bollocks. I get it the war is over and all. But why won’t they teach us?” He was saying.

“Yeah, well, but what’s the point? Not that we’ll gonna be attacked any time soon. Don’t get me wrong, I’m totally with you on that, but it’s not like we’re gonna need it, possibly ever. And they don’t want to see you cry over the fact that you couldn’t cast a teeny weeny Patronus. Now _that_ would be embarrassing.”

“Oh, _come, on_. Even my cat can cast it if he tries hard enough. Right, Kenma?”

I nodded on autopilot, even though his cat was mostly intent on harassing mine and never showed any interest in spells.

“See? What I’m saying is, if a bunch of students could learn to cast it on their own, doesn’t it mean it isn’t as hard as they are trying to make it look?”

“I’m pretty sure that ‘bunch of students’, as you put it, was quite extraordinary, Kuroo,” Akaashi cut in, not exactly impressed by the level of Kuro’s argumentation, “ _and_ had quite a pressing matter ahead of them.”

He had a point, but I’d been toying with this thought for a while, too, ever since Kuro came to me all agitated about the fact that he didn’t find the Patronus charm in the DADA learning program. I briefly wondered where he got it in the first place, but decided that I was probably better off not knowing.

“But let’s say you _could_ cast it. What do you think it would be?” Bokuto was always easy to inspire with things like that; I always feared what would happen if he didn’t have Akaashi to keep him down most of the time, and kind of felt sorry for the professors that had him and Kuro in their classrooms at the same time. After all, you don’t get banned from approaching a pot together without a good reason.

“How can you know?” 

“Dude. _Imagine_.” He made some weird passes with his arms, probably illustrating how imagination works. I never quite got it. “I hope mine is an owl!”

“Don’t get it personally, but I’m starting to think you have an unhealthy fixation on owls.”

“You have at least ten cat T-shirts,” Akaashi managed to say evenly and without rolling his eyes. Bokuto was not so subtle.

“Duuude,” he hollered. 

“Hey, there’s nothing wrong with loving cats. Cats are amazing. Right, Kenma?” Kuro bumped my shoulder, not really seeking support as much as making sure I was still part of the conversation. I didn’t hold a lot of love for cats or animals in general, but cats were not terrible. They were soft and warm and not quite demanding.

“They’re not bad,” I offered, and earned a weird grateful look from him. It lingered a second too long as he held my gaze with glowering intent that came out of nowhere and passed as soon as it emerged. 

I lost the thread of discussion after that, chasing away the sudden and unwelcome sensation of us being strangely alone, there and probably forever; he smiled briefly at me again, and it persisted.

[[[]]]

The thought of that lunch didn’t leave me for a long time. It never left me, actually, just evolved into more complex, terrifying concepts. I was curious about the Patronus, I told myself buried in the library, digging up ancient legends. I wondered what influenced its form, or how strong or stressed out you have to be to cast it.

There was a huge hole in the Ministry’s logic. It takes an extraordinary wizard to cast it, they say; bollocks. Everyone at Hogwarts is extraordinary; they had been feeding us this since day one, and either they were lying to us or they were slacking off on teaching their students proper self-defense... which was not that far from truth, I guessed, especially considering how they handled DADA in the face of impeding war. Maybe we were lucky we didn’t have a new professor every year, at least.

I was desperate to rationalize this. Desperate to cover this uneasy feeling spreading all through my veins whenever I watched Kuro graciously wield his wand like a sword; desperate to cover it with idle interest in spells.

So I made myself believe it. I made myself believe that the fact that Kuro was in all the good memories I was able to recall when speculating on calling my own ephemeral guardian just meant that I had a very limited circle of people I was comfortable around. People who made me smile. People who made me forget how self-conscious I really was, and people I felt like home with.

I made myself believe that the dream I had a week later – the dream of casting a very solid, very real, very powerful Patronus shaped like a cat with disarrayed bangs over its strangely familiar eyes, – was just a dream. Just a flick of my imagination. 

I made myself believe it, but I knew I was a liar because it felt like I never really woke up, and I covered my panic with cold denial. I was not proud of myself as I tried, desperately, to escape – or at least avoid – the handsome reason of it all.

[[[]]]

I remember it all very clearly now that I think of it, down to the finest detail – and I don’t remember anything but a blur of emotions and details, all at once. I didn’t like what was happening to me, and I had no one to discuss it with, Kuro obviously out of the question for being the cause of my predicament, our teammates not even making the list for reasons of either being too inconsiderate or too smart, which went for Akaashi, too.

I felt alone again, and isolated, and I didn’t have a nice upperclassman to save me from it anymore. My life became a weird succession of ups and downs; it was mostly downs as soon as the realization that I had become a hero of my own private coming-of-age teenage drama struck me. It was all ups when I let myself relax into this fleeting warm feeling I had no choice but to accept as I fell into step beside him every day, or when he teased me, or when I somehow made him laugh. It was mostly downs when the persistent guilt sunk in every evening and when I saw him talk to anyone else with the laidback ease I used to envy so much. I loved it now, and it was even more of a torture.

For with every step my heart caught somewhere in my throat and with every careful touch it seemed to stop altogether. They were scarce, but Kuro made up for it with catching me off guard every time with alarming precision, and his presence alone seemed to wrap me up in a blanket of uncertain worry and uneasiness and throw me in a deep, deep and dark well of it all being just... _wrong_ somehow.

(He was guarded but warm, and never too far from me, an arm’s length at most if not engaging in mock combat with Bokuto, and he would sometimes touch me out of the blue in what seemed to be his making sure I was all right. He intruded my personal space forcefully yet effortlessly, like he belonged there, and he would lean over to doodle in my notes, or pet the cat in my lap, or just linger closer for no apparent reason; he was much like a cat himself, coming and going as he pleased but never straying too far. And I let him do it. Merlin, did I let him.)

There was no graceful way to go about it: I somehow let myself fall in love with my best friend. It wasn’t something I wanted to talk about with anyone, I found in the end. There was no advice or rationalization I couldn’t logically reach myself. And, well, not that I wanted to _do_ anything about it either – not at first. It kindled for a while, growing stronger with each smile and the sound of my name on his lips, until it grew into a fierce fire that startled me every time I woke up and thought I was okay. That I would be able to get out of it. That I was not in love with him at all, because how could I, really. He was just a teenage boy; who ever fell in love with teenage boys that made stupid jokes and liked to show off on a broom and wore a stupid haircut they claimed was natural bed hair?

Except everyone did. Including girls from my class, which quickly turned my private and well-concealed pining for Kuro into a lifelong defense against giggles and batted eyelashes and the general absurdity of the situation. He was too popular for the awkward quidditch nerd he was beneath the cool air he always put on. I retreated from it, and him, and everything, to books, as I usually did; the weight of my own thoughts collided too much with the atmosphere of impending Christmas doom that started way too early this year. The last thing I wanted to be dragged into was talks about who expected to spend their Christmas with whom if Kuro weren’t there to back me up.

He was always off lately, getting into trouble with Bokuto somewhere, even though they seemed to be over the whole Patronus thing; it was good, and bad, and I already knew he was going to spend the winter holidays meeting his relatives in Japan, which rendered this whole Christmas business irrelevant.

I was upset that it made me so upset. Of course, it would inevitably happen sooner or later; I would have to let him go someday, and maybe be his best man. People graduate from school, graduate from quidditch teams, and they graduate from childhood friendships, too.

(The practice was the worst, I thought for a long time; at practice he let his bossy side win over, and confidence, however playful, flowed from him and enveloped us all. So we won. And so I stepped back, letting him have his glory and girls approach him and general happy chaos ensue. But when the celebrations died down and everyone went back to their rooms, I would find the two of us curled up on the sofa, barely talking, half-asleep maybe, enjoying ourselves and the fire, like we belonged together. If I closed my eyes hard enough, I could pretend we did.)

I searched the school’s library up and down, and all to no avail. It was ridiculous; judging from the books they had there, the magical folk could still be reproducing by arranged marriages for all I knew. Which seemed not that far from the truth, considering all these people and the way they held themselves, and especially how most of the kids in our House talked of their family pride – well, not most of the time, but certainly some of it, and if not now then when we first met. Brilliant idiocy. Outstanding, even, and completely meaningless.

 _And talk about muggle research_ , I cursed wordlessly, screening through the respective section once again – all dust, and forsaken except for the books used in classrooms, of which there weren’t much. The born-here wizards, the “true” ones, they were so funny, so cute in their drive to know the muggles while missing the point completely. How could anyone overlook the fact that no matter what the muggles did, whatever they ever talked about, it was love, or romance, or sex, for that matter? But oh no, let us laugh at their funny devices and electricity, and see where it would take us. A hint: _bloody nowhere_.

My mother knew it; she should’ve written a series of books instead of one, but she chose to marry my muggle father instead, dropping her research halfway and settling for part-timing as a _Daily Prophet_ columnist when she wasn’t occupied at the Ministry.

I left the library, disheartened and upset, and far more annoyed than I ever remembered myself be. What a joke. Want to make love potions? Here, lad, take these books, and oh, all the herbs you might need grow in our backyard. A charming spell? Oh, that stack of parchments and another of books over there are all at your disposal! Got your eyes on that seventh-grader? No problem, pal, take this and pour it over their cake. Or would you like to read the latest juicy gossip from the _Daily Prophet_? Here you go! What? Actual advice? Self-help? _Romance_? Nope, never heard of that. You’re on your own there, buddy.

But I had to tell him. I just needed a way to do it with the least damage done. 

I lingered in the empty corridors for a while, contemplating on where they should take me; exhausted by my quest for nothing in particular, I was almost ready to consider the two most outrageous thoughts I had ever had: one, ask Mother to mail me about three sappiest romantic novels she had ever heard of, or two, ask the Divination prof to read my future – or at least the present. Both options made me sick, and the stone walls started to push down on me, as if driving me out. 

December days piled up, as did the snow outside our windows; I never told him anything, and the cadence of our days was left undisturbed.

[[[]]]

We almost survived the first month of winter.

A mere day before we were to get out of the castle it was buzzing with excitement: the midterm rush hadn’t yet worn off, but the Christmas craze had already settled in. With carefully-weighted, just-enough-better-than-average performance and nothing in particular to look forward to, I was part of neither; if anything, I was eager to indulge myself in consumable treats to make it all seem more bearable. To keep the anxiety slowly welling up inside me at bay before it developed into full-fledged panic.

I was totally fine. Nothing was happening, and I was determined to make sure it stayed that way for at least a little bit longer.

Lev ambushed me on my way to lunch, blocking the path down the stairs with precision hinting that it was all carefully prearranged to avoid the awful dance of leveling our height difference.

“Hey,” he said, running a hand through his hair, and I hey-ed back with a careful nod. “I... could you help me with something? Please?”

I waited. Maybe if I didn’t start talking he would just take the clue and leave.

“It’s about this Charms assignment...” Lev started tentatively, and I rolled my eyes unconsciously, getting the rest without him going on.

The Charms prof. Her running joke was making fourth-years master a tricky spell on their own to award an extra fifteen points to whoever showed it to her first, which amused her greatly and created unhealthy competition.

I was honestly surprised that no one got to it yet.

I waved Lev off so that he would just stop fretting, and was about to tell him to go and find Yaku or anyone willing at all when he said, with an edge of desperation to his voice,

“Yaku is at a prefects’ meeting or something. I can’t find him since morning. And... he wouldn’t approve. But I’m really running out of time. And you’re, like, the Charms ace.”

I regarded him coldly, considering my options. (Who ever told him that?) My first thought was to send him off to be someone else’s problem, but somehow I couldn’t. Lev was Yaku’s charity case, not mine, and he was so unlike me and loud and tall that I chose to avoid him whenever I could, but – _but_. 

I didn’t know Lev had this much ambition in him, and the power I seemed to suddenly have over him made me uneasy. He didn’t do anything wrong and we were, at the end of the day, a team, and Kuro was very big on being a team and helping each other out. 

Besides, our House could use some extra fifteen points. And the stupid pride of winning this idiotic race for the third year in a row.

So I made this mistake of taking pity on Haiba Lev.

[[[]]]

We somehow found a silent corner – or rather, unoccupied. It required a slight detour, but at least it was peaceful.

Or would be if Lev wasn’t so full of motion and pointless struggle to take up less space. Whatever. I just wanted it all to be over so I could have something to eat and fight the Christmas spirit with prematurely missing Kuro. 

This year’s spell was supposed to make the smallest noises in the room come to the foreground. Useful in that typical situation when someone asks if someone else has heard something in the dark. Or to spend less time on yelling your lungs out trying to say your goodbyes at a railway station. It wasn’t that hard, but you needed to know the trick: dealing with subtle matters, the spell required a subtle wave of the hand _just so_ in time with the final accord.

Lev’s problem was that he was the opposite of subtle, but he made up for it by being alarmingly determined.

I showed him, and I showed him again with only a tingle of guilt for helping him; this whole affair was about research and getting results on your own, but who ever cared about that?

It took Lev a good fifteen minutes to get it right before I would let him even think of casting it – a minute for a point, I supposed. Fine with me. But I was getting impatient, the team spirit washing out of my system faster than I expected.

One command stood between me and lunch, and I was already running late. I told Lev to go for it, and he did – with trademark vigor.

It all happened so fast that I never even knew it did until the world collapsed on me. I think I noticed something leave his wand with a spark, then ricochet from the stone wall that hid us from the wind and prying eyes, and then–

Everything fell silent for a heavy, thick moment; the silence trembled, crumbling down, and came back at me with everything it ever hid, raging and tearing at my consciousness, trying to rip it from me, wreaking panic and havoc. I really thought I had died for a moment, except it never lasted; except it persisted in the ringing insanity that seemed – _sounded_ – to turn my brain inside out.

I heard footsteps drumming past us ten meters away. I heard crows flapping their wings somewhere I couldn’t even see, and I heard the rustle of Lev’s robe above it all as he tried to see if I were all right.

The spell wasn’t supposed to work like this. Nothing was supposed to work like this. Except Lev.

I was suddenly glad I hadn’t eaten anything since morning, for my stomach tried to fold in on itself the next second. And the worst of it – the worst of it was Lev freaking out. Right above my ears that I couldn’t even cover since it only made things worse.

So I closed my eyes instead, hissing a _shuddup_ at Lev. Breathe in, then out. Then in again. And out. _Think_.

Do something. Do anything. Lev was already panicking, and I couldn’t let myself lose my shit as well. Even though my thoughts and heartbeat raced against each other. Even though whatever had happened, it raised Lev’s volume to incomprehensible heights. 

Right. What _exactly_ had happened?

I opened my eyes – again – tentatively, letting another stream of unnecessary information into my system, waiting until the initial wave of vertigo passed. Nothing seemed to be broken, and Lev was just scared, but alright. He looked quite alright.

“Are you OK?” I asked to confirm, wincing at the sound of my own voice coming out as if from a fish tank. 

“Yes!” Boomed the answer. It didn’t really have to be that loud, but Lev had never been, again, subtle: it could as well be his rendition of a whisper. “Are you? Kenma? You kind of blacked out? I didn’t–”

“Please stop,” I moaned. Another mistake. “Just. Don’t talk. Okay?” He nodded enthusiastically. “First,” I started, probing the acoustic ground by keeping my voice conspiratorially low, “and I will probably regret telling you this, but you might be a very, very powerful wizard. Second, whatever you did right now? Don’t do it ever again. Third.” I had to take a moment as my brain frantically tried to catalog all the noises it never expected to hear. It might be getting better. Or I might be losing my mind. Lev surely was, but nothing could make me feel compassion for him now. 

We couldn’t go to the nurse; I didn’t think I would _survive_ going to the Hospital Wing on the other side of the castle, not to mention that we would have to eventually explain how I generously tried to help an underclassman cheat on the Charms challenge, but the said underclassman was so shitty at it that it backfired and now I could hear mice running on their little mice legs somewhere between the walls. I could only hope that the spell would fade with the time – it had to. 

“Third?” Lev prodded, hopelessly forgetting how he promised not to talk.

“Get me to the Great Hall. And don’t tell anyone about any of this for now. If I don’t go after you in an hour, you can just forget everything. Deal?”

He looked genuinely perplexed, but smart enough to nod – and offer a hand to help me stand up, which I didn’t take.

“But what happened?” Lev asked, toned down a little. Maybe also a little hurt.

But I didn’t know either. I could come up with explanations as we went – along with cursing the wizarding world for not understanding the beauty of mobile phones and making me go get Kuro myself instead of just summoning him with a simple text. 

It occurred to me that I could as well send Lev and save myself a trip and a terrible, terrible headache only as we approached the Hall.

[[[]]]

I found its haste and roar strangely comforting: the Hall’s many voices came together in an indiscernible monstrosity that was much easier to cancel out. It laughed and screamed and murmured, somehow, but it was monotonous and something we fell in and out of every day. I could live with tuned up familiarity – if only for a few minutes.

I waved Lev away as soon as I spotted Kuro arguing about something with Bokuto. And then I heard them. 

Merlin knows I didn’t want to. And under other circumstances I would announce myself right away or wait until they were done, but now my head was being torn apart a little bit too much, and I wanted it to just end, and yet–

And yet I paused in my tracks, hidden in the shadows cast by a column at the entrance. They were heading there anyway; no reason for me to go any further. I actually feared that would kill me – as would, I found, curiosity.

After all, they had been spending too much time somewhere out of my reach. Probably scheming. Except Kuro would have told me; he told me everything. We had always worked as a pair, looking after each other. That was our deal, our thing. No secrets. And just the two of us. And even though I respected whatever _brotherhood_ he had going on with Bokuto, I couldn’t help but be jealous of it.

So I tuned in on them, which was– which was not really that hard to do. 

“He likes it. And he had to be here, like, half an hour ago,” Kuro was saying, waving a small box in front of him, to Bokuto’s dismay and disapproval.

I felt heat rise all the way up to my ears. Because apparently they were talking about me unless Kuro had another appointment he forgot to mention.

“You’re trying too hard for him,” Bokuto said, frowning so that his brows connected in the middle of his forehead. He looked fairly terrifying, I had to give him that. 

“I’m not trying hard enough. And you’re not trying at all.” 

“I am! It’s just... not the right time!”

“Bro,” Kuro said, stopping three paces away from me with a surprisingly serene expression and putting his free hand on Bokuto’s shoulder. “There is no such thing as the right time.”

“Wow,” said Bokuto, “when did you get that wise?”

And I tried not to laugh, camouflaging it all with a cough as I stepped forward with as much intensity as I could muster. Which, again, was not a good idea. And it didn’t go particularly well, but I must have looked really, really awful (fair point; the nausea never passed, it just circled through my body, and I felt as if I were ready to puke any moment now), because Kuro’s hand seamlessly moved from Bokuto’s shoulder to mine – and blissfully remained there. 

“Hey. Kitten,” he shook me, and the lack of response to this ridiculous nickname he fished out of nowhere for me must have really stirred him, “you alright? Where have you been?”

“Helped Lev with something,” I offered – more of the fishtank nonsense – and it wasn’t even a lie. “I’m not feeling well,” not a lie either, “can you take me somewhere quiet?”

“Like, the Hospital Wing?” He asked, all worry, and it would have been cute and comforting if his natural loudness didn’t hurt me so much.

I shook my head to this, and it sent the world spinning. I was making all the wrong choices I could that day, and it didn’t even start to get dark yet.

At least it seemed to make them forget my awkward entrance. Hopefully.

“No. Just. Somewhere quiet.”

“Okay,” Kuro bounced back after a brief consideration. Maybe against better judgement.

I tried very hard to ignore the Look Bokuto gave us as Kuro led me out of the Hall.

[[[]]]

“What did he do to you,” Kuro said when we were relatively alone; he kept half hugging, half holding me up by the shoulders. It was easy to match his pace that way; it always was, but it felt so much nicer like that. “I swear I’m gonna beat it out of him if I have to.”

“Nothing,” I shrugged, and it didn’t send me down the almost-throwing-up route this time. The spell must really be wearing off. Good news. “I’m guessing I ate something wrong. Maybe that box of Bertie Botts was a bad idea after all,” I offered, one of the lamest and easiest excuses. It felt like poison to me, but I needed time to process whatever I overheard.

“I brought you some pie,” he said then, subtly waving the damned box, and I flushed again, looking at my feet so he wouldn’t notice.

“Thanks.”

He steered me off the main course, somewhere closer to the woods maybe, to the outskirts of the castle – and before I could even catch on to what was happening, I found myself hauled suddenly behind a mighty column.

“Oh-huh,” Kuro whispered playfully above my ear, pulling me closer to him than was probably necessary, and it rustled down my whole existence. “Seems we walked in on something.”

And then I heard it. The hideous wet sound of someone very keen on smooching someone else. Even with the spell slowly dissolving, even with some of the noises falling back into background nonexistence, this ringed way too loudly through my head.

“Yuck,” I shuddered, resting my forehead against Kuro’s conveniently close chest. “That’s gross. Can’t people do it somewhere else? Is privacy really such a wild concept?”

He stilled at that. And I hated how he stilled at that, especially since I could literally hear his heart beat right next to me. 

Maybe it was his heart that picked up speed. Or maybe it was mine.

“Hey,” he tried, but the strain in his voice was too obvious. “Let them have fun. We’re not supposed to be here either. Maybe they won’t see each other until next term.”

His icy whispers were still too much to take for me; and oh, the irony. This is what I wanted. To run away with him and hide somewhere in this enormous castle, to lean against him like this and just... be. And maybe. Maybe yes, make out. I didn’t think that far.

This is what I wanted – and Lev’s stupid spell was taking it all away from me.

Not to mention that yes, we won’t be seeing each other pretty much until next term.

Breathe in, breathe out. The spell was doing much more to me that amplify the noises in my head; it amplified all my insecurities, too, stripping me of all the common sense I ever had. I could not let that happen, no matter how comforting it was to be held so close by Kuro – and how safe it felt.

I took a step back, and a wave of cold air found its way between us in an instant.

“Let’s go.”

[[[]]]

I led the way from there, away, and away still. I only stopped when I was out of air, and it knocked the remaining intrusive sounds out of my head. Well, almost.

I sat down on a solitary bench, too tired to appreciate the subtle heat it radiated, a really nice touch from the school.

“Care to tell me what’s going on?” Kuro asked, suppressed fury showing at the edges. He placed the box on the bench. “Is there something I should know?” He tried again, sitting down beside me as well, not too close, but not that far either.

“No?” I asked back, mind frantic, bewildered; had I done something bad? Something to be ashamed of, maybe? Had I failed a test? Or had someone told Kuro some weird rumors about me, and everyone was laughing about it? Was he mad about Lev? Jealous, maybe? But how did he know?

I could not have given myself away. I could not. Because if I had, and if Kuro knew how I felt– no, no. That would be a disaster.

“Okay,” Kuro said, and the way he did told me that no, it most certainly was not okay. The both of us waited for the other to speak, I in erratic denial, Kuro in silent disapproval – and he gave in first.

“Okay,” he repeated, acceptance in his voice mocking, and not at all mockingly hurt, “as you wish. Then I’m gonna go first. I like you, okay?” The way he was repeating it – _okay, okay_ – made it harder to bear, as if he were trying to convince himself that it was, but it was not.

 _He’s trying so hard_ , I thought, amused, strangely detached, too worn out by the past hour and only running on residual energy, _it must be really important to him_. I was not comfortable with being that important to someone like Kuro; I never wanted him to try that hard. Maybe Bokuto was right after all. And what it did to me, blood rushing to the temples in a violent tide, coloring my cheeks and ears bright red: I could feel it, and kept my head down, even more conscious of myself than usual. I listened closely, trying to slow down my breath and reminding myself to breathe in the first place.

Suddenly I almost missed the awful sounds; they took my mind off the boy next to me, gave me an excuse to pretend there was something else, something more pressing than the memory of his touch and–

“In... you know what way. And I guess I did for a long time now. I think you have the right to know.”

I kept silent, cowardly, terribly silent; it could not go on forever, but at least it could go on for a while. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing – it was easier to believe that Lev’s spell had somehow mutated and now I was just hearing what I wanted to hear than it was to believe Kuro had – how did it go again? – _feelings_ for me. 

“And when you said making out was gross it kinda sucked, ‘cause frankly I would like to make out with you some day.” He let this settle down between us, smiling just a bit, and it took me a lot not to look at him now, only watch him sideways. 

“I’m sorry. I hope it doesn’t make things weird,” he laughed, aware of how ridiculously contradicting he must sound. “You don’t have to answer right away, and you can ignore it completely if you wish, but I’m gonna be away for the holidays, so I wanted to tell you this now. If you want to talk – or anything – find me when you’re ready. Or send me an owl. I’ll be... well, somewhere in that castle, you know, the one on the hill back there.”

I had always thought it was a mountain, not a hill, but did not say anything; I hoped that if I didn’t participate I could pretend nothing of it took place. I knew I couldn’t and I knew it was impossible; this was not how life worked. I had rehearsed this scene so many times in my head, spelling out the tightest knot in my chest just to get it off me, but never had I dared so much as to imagine Kuroo Tetsuro in all his ridiculous feline glory liking me back. It had to sink in, and even as much as I wanted to tell him that I felt the same, I couldn’t get those words out.

I could not get anything out. I just wanted it all to stop. And myself to cease existing.

“We’re... still friends, right? We’re cool?” Kuro asked, almost as an afterthought as he rose to leave, and waited until I confirmed it with a nod.

I waited it out a little, carefully probing the air around me for more disasters to come, nibbling absent-mindedly on the pie he brought for me, shutting away all thoughts for as long as I could.

When I finally gathered my courage to face him again, he made excruciatingly sure that we were never alone, and with a lot of distance between us. 

And the next day we went home, all together in a bundle of laughter and excitement on the train – and in different cars along the same route to our suburbs.

I hated this Christmas so, so much.

[[[]]]

Kuro showed up on our doorstep late at night on December 23; we were getting ready for dinner, and he brought his cat, just like we had agreed before... _before_.

We hadn’t talked since we came home at all, and no matter how much I wanted to, I didn’t think I could just barge in and demand that he pay attention to me. So the only thing I got was the household owl to confirm that we were ready to take care of his devilish tomcat while they were away on the other side of the world.

He looked weary, and unhappy, and it stung me deep that I was the reason of it. I could still be blaming Lev for everything, but I knew it was truly all my fault. 

“Hey,” he said cautiously, stoking the harnessed furry lump in his hands. The cat didn’t look happy either. “Merry Christmas.”

“Hey,” I said, smiling despite everything. The silence was so heavy between us that the whole house felt evenly still, and even the TV Father always had on kind of hushed, giving us a moment of serenity.

“So,” he said. “Yeah. Be seeing you in a week and a half, huh.”

“Yeah,” I never felt dumber. “Look, I...” hesitated. Again. This joke was getting old, but what could I do with his family waiting and mine pretty much listening very, very closely? “I have something for you. Wait here, okay? Just a minute.”

A minute it was. I don’t think I ever put so much effort into running up and down the stairs before – or into a present. But I needed this; I needed to make things if not right then at least tolerable between us until he got back.

“This isn’t much but, well. Owls are slow and you’re gonna be so far away, and I think I’m gonna die without your commentary on pretty much everything, so. Take it,” I practically shoved it into his hands, free now that he let the cat down.

And he looked puzzled at best. “Thanks but... how do I use it again?”

I rolled my eyes. “Don’t be ridiculous. It’s just a _phone_ , Kuro. I charged it. And paid for it. It only has my number in it and, well. I made an instruction for you. And I trust it you’re smart enough to figure it all out on your own. You’re no stranger to electricity.”

I couldn’t keep the sarcasm out of it, and it must have worked, for Kuro smiled the good old edgy smile of his, and said, finally looking straight at me and warily stroking my grown-out hair, “Thanks.”

It must have been on instinct, out of habit, and I might have leaned a bit too much into the touch, for he tore it away all too suddenly.

“Message me if you don’t want to come and mourn my cold body, okay?” I pressed again.

He laughed. “Yeah. But only if you do the same. And I’m holding you personally liable if this thing hurts me.”

I had to take a slow breath at that. “It’s a piece of plastic and metal, Kuro. It can’t hurt you if you don’t throw it charging in the bath with you in it.” A shade of horror crossed his handsome face. I hated it how effortlessly good he looked next to me in my old home sweater and slippers. “I listed it all for you. You were fine in the summer and you’ll be fine now. Go, or your mother will kill me for keeping you here so long. We’ll... talk when you get back? I’m gonna miss you.” My last words threaded on whisper, and he seemed to snap back into his devastated self for a moment.

I hated it all even more than I hated his unnecessarily good looks; I hated my cowardice that led to it all now, and how helpless I was yet again. It was not the time to sort it out, I kept telling myself, but Kuro’s own “there is no such thing as the right time” still hung above my head like a raised sword. 

“Of course. I’m gonna miss you too. Eat well.”

He hugged me so briefly before storming out that it might as well be wishful thinking; the door closed after him, my mother smiled sympathetically at me, and the TV host went back on.

[[[]]]

My instructions proved to be fine, judging from the fact that I received a brief message telling me they were finally off in the evening; not that I expected anything less from him. He wasn’t stupid. Just a little prejudiced. I could only hope that he would not forget to charge it from time to time and not spend everything in a day; I had a lot of muggle money gifted to me by various relatives from Father’s side, but my resources were still limited.

My bravery slipped away from me as soon as I realized that we have never been this far from each other for so long. Half the world, and more, all because of my inability to react properly and in time. I hurt him and I hurt myself with it, too, and I couldn’t see a way out of it on my own. I needed him there with me; I had to tell him everything all at once, but I knew it was to be done in person, not over the phone. I owed him that much.

I always thought I could go on my own and be fine, thought it wouldn’t be a problem. We were friends, not conjoined twins; we were not tied together by anything more than this... _relationship_ we apparently had going on. I wasn’t going to think of it just yet, for fear of uncertainty and rejection _(what if he never forgave me in the end? what if he changed his mind in these less-than-two weeks? what if he never came back at all?)_ and for fear of hoping too much, but the thoughts of horror and joy were still there, no matter how I wanted to forget about all this for even a moment.

[[[]]]

[ _Weather better here. People keep talking to me in Japanese and won’t believe me when I say I can’t understand shit because my vocabulary is like a five-year-old’s. Otherwise it’s all cool I guess, but I just wanna sleep forever, so bye for now._ ]

[ your cat’s been hiding under my bed all this time and now he came out and won’t let me near my PS. rude. did you train him to do that? ]

[ _Haha no I wouldn’t. He’s doing a good job, though. Pet him for me_. ]

 

[ _Remember that game you made me play in summer? When we had to break in the church backyard to catch something? Everyone seems to play it_. ]

[ _They also seem crazy about that folding thing you had when we met. I just saw an old man playing it on a train. I think you’d love it here_. ]

[ yeah since they make them ]

[ got bored and went playing it again tonight. actually caught a Charizard on your lawn. sorry. ]

[ _I have no idea what a Charizard is but I’m glad you’re having fun_. ]

[ it’s that orange fire dragon, Kuro. ]

[ _OK_. ]

[ you do realize that you don’t have to use proper punctuation when texting, right? ]

[ _I like it_. ]

 

[ _I’ve never seen so many Christmas decorations before. This is creepy_. ]

[ _Like in that muggle musical we watched_. ]

[ _I mean, even Hogwarts pales in comparison. Plus they seem to think the KFC man is Colonel Santa or something_. ]

[ _And there’re so many couples it pisses me off_. ]

[ _I wish you were here_. ]

[ _I probably shouldn’t have written that. Sorry_. ]

[ kuro its 4am ]

 

[ I wish I were there, too. ]

 

[ the cats fought and yours is now making weird noises and glaring down at me from the wardrobe. I hope he doesn’t murder me in my sleep ]

[ or my cat actually. ]

[ please take a photo of colonel Santa for me ]

[ Kuro? ]

 

[ okay. ]

 

[ our relatives are coming soon and it’s gonna be super weird ]

[ would your family mind it if I were to apparate there somehow? ]

 

[ Kuro, please respond. ]

[ if you’re doing it on purpose I swear I’ll kill you. ]

[ _I’m here, Kitten_. ]

[ _Couldn’t find a socket_. ]

[ _How’s dinner?_ ]

[ you don’t get to call me kitten rn ]

[ I’m still mad. don’t do that, it freaked me out big time. ]

[ _I’m sorry. But I bought you presents!_ ]

[ please just get back here. ]

 

[ the dinner was terrible btw ]

[ I hope at least you’re having fun ]

[ _I’m a bit overwhelmed actually. Taking a lot of photos though_. ]

[ _Maybe we can go together next time_. ]

 

[ _Kenma, quick. Purple or white?_ ]

[ what. ]

[ um... white? ]

[ _Yeah, no. I got you the purple one_. ]

[ _I’m at the pokecentre and I’m getting everyone stuff that looks like them. But you get the purple cat because I like it_. ]

[ ??? OK ]

[ I’m honestly impressed you spelled it right ]

[ _Hey, that’s rude. I’m buying you toys_. ]

[ how did you even get there? ]

[ _I can be very persuasive_. ]

[ _But I guess if I keep insisting we go into shops like these either we’ll get kicked out or they won’t let me stay with them ever again. Or both_. ]

[ please stay safe. ]

 

[ I can’t take it with my parents anymore ]

[ we ran out of things to talk about after two days and now it’s just awkward ]

[ and they keep telling me to put my phone down and go outside ]

[ which is very cold and overall terrible ]

[ _You wouldn’t put you phone down? Whoa. I’m flattered_. ]

[ _You could hang out with Bokuto and Akaashi though?_ ]

[ not happening. I’m not going all the way to bloody London for that. I don’t even know what to talk to them about without you. ]

[ _You know that’s not true_. ]

[ _Yaku?_ ]

[ still not going to London, and what if Lev tags along? ]

[ _Team spirit, Kenma_. ]

[ NO. ]

[ I am DONE with team spirit with Lev. ]

[ _...OK now *I’m* told to put my phone down. See ya_. ]

 

[ five more days. ]

[ _Yeah_. ]

[ yeah. gnight. ]

 

[ now it’s not only awkward but super weird. ]

[ _What happened?_ ]

[ nothing yet ]

[ I’ll tell you later. ]

[ _Kenma I’m worried_. ]

[ sorry. don’t be. I’ll manage. ]

[ _Right, now I’m *very* worried_. ]

[ _But as you wish_. ]

 

[ _We’re mostly eating and walking the city here. And buying stuff. Magic is everywhere, in plain sight almost, but no one seems to mind. Or notice. I can’t tell_. ]

[ _Anyway the house is big and traditional-looking an_ ]

[ _Why did it do that._ ]

[ _Anyway, it’s all hasty and crowded but peaceful somehow?_ ]

[ _And they mix magic with technology. Like a lot. You have to come here. You HAVE to_. ]

[ _How’re your days?_ ]

[ I am very determined to not go out until school ]

[ _I really don’t know what you’d do without me sometimes_. ]

[ turn into a vampire probably ]

[ _It doesn’t work that way_. ]

[ maybe it could. ]

 

[ _Okay, next thing. Quidditch. Everywhere. It’s heaven_. ]

[ _The muggles are crazy about baseball so they charm their baseball posters and billboards to show quidditch players to us but not muggles? No idea how they pull it off but they do and it’s amazing_. ]

[ _It’s weird, I’ve spent so little time here, but it feels like forever. And not enough_. ]

[ it’s because you don’t have me there with you to complain about everything all the time ]

[ _You have a point_. ]

[ you *are* coming home, right? ]

[ _Of course I am_. ]

[ _But I might be planning the next trip already_. ]

 

[ they just keep asking me if it’s a girl I’m texting ]

[ which obviously is not ]

[ like I’m not getting a girlfriend, ever ]

[ _Maybe you should?_ ]

[ Kuro. are you stupid or what. ]

[ whose side are you on? ]

[ _Common sense?_ ]

[ not you too. ]

[ what is even wrong with you all. ]

 

[ _Kenma?_ ]

[ _Did I say something wrong?_ ]

[ _I can’t know if you don’t tell me_. ]

[ sorry. it’s not a phone talk. ]

[ _I’m coming back tomorrow_. ]

[ I know. I can’t believe we almost survived this. ]

[ look I’m sorry, I’m kinda freaking out here. I think dad’s gonna give me The Talk ]

[ I just really miss you ]

[ and it was never meant to be like that. ]

[ _Like what?_ ]

 

[ your cat is ok btw ]

[ _Cool. Thanks_. ]

 

[ _Gonna be home in five hours I think_. ]

[ thank merlin. ]

[[[]]]

This was not how I imagined it all to go. Lost and alone and panicked, I only made it all worse, and even unlimited access to all muggle knowledge on my palm didn’t help me. And oh, how I hoped it would.

Maybe it would have been better if I weren’t bathing in guilt so much.

Mother looked with sympathy at me. I think she knew what was going on, but even if she did, she never showed it, which made me both grateful and terrified. Without the comforting walls of the castle I felt exposed and helpless; thrown back under the grayish abyss of the English sky, I questioned my every step and every choice I made, and every word I sent over. The school was our safe space in more ways than one, both for us and for teachers, and I felt robbed. Maybe a little scared. Maybe a lot.

I wish I kept silent most of the time but I didn’t know what to do with myself and I never realized it how closely tied we were, and it struck me every single time. Except there was only so much I could tell him between sleep and avoiding my parents and picking games up only to put them back shortly. Concentration was not my friend either.

It was all building up; not so subtly, and not so slowly. The house was pregnant with tension, and everyone kept to themselves in fear of breaking this illusion of stability. I went to sleep with it and I woke up with it, and I dreamt of either what could be or what went wrong – it couldn’t be long before someone snapped.

And it wasn’t.

“So,” Mom said at dinner, carefully slicing her pork. Small talk was over, and her tone didn’t promise anything good. “Miriam from Law Enforcement is getting married next month. The invitation came in today.”

Everything fell still. I pretended to be very invested in my plate, and Dad slowly put his fork down. He laughed shortly and strained.

“Oh. So she finally found herself a man, then?”

I winced. We didn’t talk a lot about Miriam ever since she brought her girlfriend to Mom’s last birthday and it didn’t go that well. For someone married to an actual witch in the twenty-first century England, of all places, Father was a man of extremely narrow mind. It was not the first time I wondered how he survived here this long at all. He was, like, at least fifty years late to everything. Or maybe he just made it a point to disagree.

I cast a glance at Mom, who was staring at him in disbelief. 

“You remember Lidia, right? They’ve been dating for five years.”

“But she’s getting married now.”

“ _They_ are,” Mom corrected him, icy sweetness in her voice. “To each other. Don’t be ridiculous.”

I felt her eyes on me. If she was doing it for me, bringing it up on my last night home was not a great idea. It was not helping at all.

My heart got too big for my chest and seemed to do something to my lungs, and my fingers itched to check my phone even though it was still this whole evening and I knew there was nothing to look for. 

I tuned out, counting to ten, then twenty, then thirty. It was just a random woman from Mom’s work, why was I getting so worked up about that? I was clearly overreacting and I had to stop.

“Don’t get me wrong,” Dad was saying, “they can play around all they want, but you know there’s time when you have to settle down. She’s our age. She should think about having a family now.”

“She already has.”

Forty. Fifty. This is not about me. Not about Kuro.

“Not like that. You know there’s no future in that. No legacy.”

“Clinging to outdated beliefs is not legacy.”

I hit a hundred. And moved the plate away from me.

“I’m sorry, I’m not hungry,” I said to Mom and hoped I managed a smile. “I think I better spend the night at Kuro’s.”

My legs were shaking; I could only see two steps ahead of me as I went, and it was like Lev’s spell all over again.

[[[]]]

I don’t remember how exactly I persuaded Kuro’s cat to get into the carrier, but it must have been ugly, judging from the numerous scratches I discovered much later. I just knew that I did, and he was terribly heavy and noncooperative as I dragged him to his owner’s house.

It was all in a haze; my brain tried to rationalize, as it always did, but there’s a point you hit when there is no more room for rationalization, so you just have to run, run, run, without stopping, run so you don’t have to think anymore. Run not so much away from something and not exactly somewhere, but keep moving forward until your lungs give out. Reduce yourself to pure movement, all systems down.

And no matter how I wanted to get there, when I reached his door uncertainty washed over me again. I hesitated, not sure if I was in the position to call it anymore, struggling to hear my own thoughts over the blood rushing through my whole existence and Kuro’s cat rattling and meowing and all but howling.

 _We are the body’s blood_ , he was always saying. I found it embarrassing most of the time, but now it seemed fitting. I made a mental note not to make fun of his motto ever again if everything went fine tonight. 

My hand was still shaking as I pressed the doorbell.

Time seemed to drag as I listened for the shuffle of feet behind the door, and felt dumber and dumber by the second. They were just back from a long trip, and it was dinner; no matter how close we were, there was a limit to hospitality. And there was a limit to how willing people were to welcome someone who had hurt their son, and instead of apologizing kept hurting him more. 

I had no right to be there, really. But as the door opened, I no longer had a chance to back out either.

“I brought your cat,” I said to his mother as she opened the door. Not even a _Hello_ , no. How pathetic could you get in one evening?

I must have looked even more horrible than I felt – or at least the same, for she ushered me inside, effortlessly taking the carrier from my hands with feline grace that I always thought ran in their family.

“Tetsuro,” she called in the general direction of upstairs as I stood in their hall, dripping water from the melting snow on their door mat and waited to be kicked out. His father came out of the kitchen to matter-of-factly acknowledge my presence, and I managed a _Good evening_ this time. Kuro’s mother seemed to give zero fucks about it all, and that’s what I had always liked about her. “This is for you, put something decent on!” She turned to me, smiling, and the resemblance between her and Kuro was striking. “Sorry, dear, we just got home, so there’s not much in terms of dinner. You’ll be staying tonight, I assume?” 

I nodded, mostly on autopilot; their house had always had that mysterious quality to it. It wrapped you in its warmth, and it was difficult to say no to anything or anyone in it. You agreed to have dinner and you agreed to stay the night, you agreed to listen to the father’s stories from when they went to Hogwarts, too, and you were welcome as part of the family. And I was going to find out just how far this went.

Kuro materialized on the top of the stairs, wearing a T-shirt I didn’t recognize and a smile that looked rehearsed. “Hey,” he said, not coming down. 

“Hey,” I said back, stepping out of my boots. “I brought your cat,” I insisted, and felt even more ridiculous that I had first time. The devilish beast walked out of the kitchen and meowed loudly before sashaying upstairs.

“Thanks,” a cruel silence; or maybe I was paranoid. He swept the cat off the floor and cuddled him awkwardly. “Come on, don’t just stand there. I bought you a ton of stuff and there are some leftovers, and if you don’t hurry I’m gonna eat them all alone,” he grinned, and even though it was more genuine, I couldn’t shake off the indecisive undertone of it all.

But I complied, like I ultimately always did. He wasn’t looking at me as I closed the door behind me, so softly that it made only a barely audible click. For the first time in my life, I didn’t have a plan for several steps ahead. I didn’t even know what my first step should be.

I played this conversation in detail so much times in my head over these ten days – what I’d say and what he’d reply, – but now I clung to the door trying to find so much as a word to say to him – and failed. What _could_ I say? _Hey, welcome home, and by the way, I like you back?_ That was something that just didn’t happen. There might be no such thing as the right time, but there were right words, and none of them were mine. Or what, throw myself at him? That was ridiculous. I clearly should have planned this through better.

“I kind of fought with my parents,” I said finally.

“I figured that much,” he shot back, producing a large package from his sports bag he used for virtually everything. “Wanna talk about it?” He asked, terribly serious, eyes betraying his concern. It was heavy and suffocating, and as much as I wanted to fall into him right there, right that second, I shook my head. He was so patient with me; he always let me take my time with everything, and now it weighed heavily on my shoulders, the guilt of making him wait for the simplest of things.

“Not now.”

“Okay. Wanna eat seafood and look at some photos, then?”

“Yes,” I volunteered, and he smiled again. I wasn’t sure I wanted to eat at all, but I was going to give it a try.

“Great. Come here, I’m gonna just find you some chopsticks.”

He did, and the moment he started talking everything somehow clicked back into place, filling the hole in my heart I knew existed – but never realized how deep it was.

[[[]]]

We spent two hours just going through the photos, for he kept stopping at more or less each of them to tell a story. They were mostly of cats, and crows, and random people minding their own business; they were good photos, even if messy, and he had so much to tell he kept going from one subject to another and I lost track of it all in the end. But I was happy to be there, and I was glad to know he had a great time – because his messages weren’t really clear on that, – but it struck me every time he smiled and laughed and randomly switched to Japanese he picked up that I wasn’t there with him.

And every time we came close he moved away from me, subtly, but I knew it was there; and I knew I deserved it. It was like some cruel slow motion, and I almost couldn’t breathe every time he stopped his hand two centimeters from mine. I did all this; it was all happening because of my fear, and I was never ready for this kind of oppressive drive to just be there, be with him, hug him and tell him that I am here for him, and I will never go away. I was never ready for this avalanche of feelings; I never thought I was even capable of feeling this much pain, and joy, and whatever else bubbled up deep in me, the thing I was not sure I wanted no know the name of.

He had every right to be angry with me, but he wasn’t; he smiled his reserved smiles and looked anywhere but me, through me, and the guilt bit away my whole being–

I would prefer it if he were angry. 

“So, I’ve been putting this off,” he said, putting the stack of polaroids away, “but I can’t take it anymore. You need to see what I got you. Wait a minute.”

“Kuro, we need to talk,” I said, and didn’t recognize my own voice. Maybe I didn’t say it at all. 

“Here. I got you toys and posters and a couple of T-shirts, but no games since I remember you saying–” he went on, and I could have imagined his voice strained. Or not.

“Kuro,” I insisted. “We need to talk. Now.”

“No,” he shot, suddenly completely still, his back to me. I wanted to scream. “We really don’t.”

“Kuro. Please.”

“It’s late. We can talk tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow you’ll say we need to get ready for school and send me to the station with my parents to avoid being alone with me again!” I was trembling, panicking; affection crawled under my skin, poisoning my whole existence. “Is this your way of being mad at me?”

“What?” At least now he was looking at me. Except it only made things worse. “Why would I be mad at you?”

“Well why not!” I was alarmingly aware that I was acting like a dick to him this whole time. There was no way he didn’t notice that, too. 

“Kenma,” he said softly, putting the package he had picked up earlier back to the floor and landing next to it with a thud. “I knew it was going to be like that. I was selfish. And I don’t want you to think you owe me anything. I’m merely trying to make this work here.”

“It’s obviously _not_ working.”

“Yeah.” His hand run through his hair, evidently without him knowing, before he let it drop to the floor. “So what do we do now?”

“I don’t know, maybe you man up and listen to me already.”

He chuckled, and the sound seemed to fall heavily, too. “Okay. Bring it on.”

And he stared at me, backed up by the little smug Litten on his shirt. And I stared back at him, words failing me again. Great. _Say it_ , I begged myself, _Say it now. Come on. I like you back. Let’s go out. Say it_.

“So, um,” I started, uncomfortable under his tired gaze, “I’ve been thinking about... what you said that day.” I certainly had. “I thought about it a lot.”

I saw he wanted to say something, too, but he was considerate enough to let me finish, and I was thankful for that. I couldn’t bear to start this over again.

“About making out and stuff. It’s... okay if it’s you. I want it to be you. I just didn’t know how to tell you.”

He frowned at that, as if not believing what he heard. And then he lit up a little.

“Just make out? Or, like, the whole package?” He gestured in the general vicinity of himself, finally grinning. What an idiot. But at least it was my idiot.

I rolled my eyes but I couldn’t help smiling, too. So I threw a pillow at him.

“Ughh, what are you, ten? Gosh, sometimes I wonder why I even like you.”

“Say it again.”

“Kuro, no. Don’t make me do it like in those sappy movies.”

“I absolutely will,” he tackled me to the floor in one swift motion, knocking all air out of me; that’s the quidditch captain for you. For a moment I thought I should pretend I wasn’t a fan of people pinning me down with the weight of their bodies – I mean, I’d totally freak out if it were anyone other than him – but there was no room for that anymore. I liked that. I liked him. And I was determined to make sure he understood that. “I take that back. You do owe me. I almost died in these two weeks!”

“You couldn’t die from that.” I deadpanned. Or attempted to. I was distracted by his hands on either side of my head. “There were a lot of people around you, I’m sure they’d do something.”

“Yeah, but they weren’t you,” his voice got low and he got closer, so close that he could brush our noses together. He didn’t, and I knew it was all on purpose. “Shit, I missed you so much.”

“Me too,” I whispered. The wild drive to be close, close, _closer_ to him returned; heat radiated from him, and I wanted it to engulf me. Tentatively, I reached out for him, and as he smirked, I pulled Kuro down into a kiss.

And people like my dad could go screw themselves, for it felt like the only right thing I ever did in my life.

[[[]]]

“Please stop smiling,” I said next morning as we were getting into our winter gear so that he could walk me home. “I feel like I broke you.”

“No way,” if anything, he smiled even wider. “You _fixed_ me.”

“Please shut up.” I rolled my eyes; it was too early for these levels of cheesiness. And his mother seemed to agree.

“Tetsuro, dear, you’ll see him in two hours,” she said, watching us from the kitchen. “I am quite sure Kenma can find his way back just fine. His house is literally two blocks away.”

I knew she was teasing, but it was still awkward; I still had to figure out how to act in front of his parents now, especially since they seemed to know already. Not that we tried to hide it; I was actually surprised Kuro didn’t walk into the kitchen in the morning to announce that we were together. With fanfares. And maybe a marching band.

His face did it for him, I guessed.

“Someone has to carry all the stuff I bought! And I’m all packed anyway! Also sick of seeing your faces!”

“Same here, son,” his father boomed behind the morning newspaper. There was no spite in his words, and I could see where Kuro got his sense of humor. “I still wonder how this boy is able to tolerate you for so long.”

“Love you too, dad!” Kuro waved and pushed me out of the house before I could reply anything at all.

The air was chilly and it was still half dark outside, with only hints of the coming day, and the realization that it was the first time we were profoundly alone hit me with a lag.

“I can take that, you know,” I offered, nodding at the paper bag in his hand. “These are my presents, after all.”

“It’s fine, kitten. I don’t mind.”

“Are you going to carry all my things from now on, then?” I didn’t need to ask if he was going to keep on calling me that as well; he certainly was, and maybe I was still high from the thought that we were together, but I was actually willing to let him have that, at least for some time.

“Yeah, no way.” He smiled, and I felt like we were twelve all over again. “This is a one-time offer.”

“Kuro,” I exhaled; there was one thing left to tell him, and I wanted to sort it out before we got to the school. “About that day... you know.”

“I most certainly don’t. What day, and what about it?” All his defense seemed to go down, and it struck me how long I hadn’t seen him like that. Or maybe it was because now I could openly stare at him without the constant dread to be found out. If only I could see better in this misty pre-dawn street.

“I told you I wasn’t feeling well, but it wasn’t because of food or anything.”

“Oh. I figured that much. So?” He sneakily took my hand, and I had to stare at it for a moment, too, before I could continue.

“Lev persuaded me to help him with the Charms challenge, and it didn’t go well. And I overheard you and Bokuto in the Hall. I wasn’t spying on you or anything, there was just so much sound, and I kind of naturally tuned to your voice and... well. I kind of freaked out after that.”

“Oho?” He stopped to look directly at me. “So that bastard actually had done something after all. What exactly did he mess up this time?”

“Still no idea. It just... amplified everything. It was not what the spell was supposed to do. It wore off after some time so I wasn’t very inclined to look further into it. But that’s why I said making out was gross. I could hear them with every bone of my body, and it was awful.” I shuddered at the memory.

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

“I didn’t know how to handle it! I was overwhelmed! And then you went and confessed and I felt like shit already. And then you flat out avoided me! How was I supposed to tell you if you were clinging either to Bokuto or Yaku all the time?”

“You have a point.” He took a deep breath. And smiled again, soft this time, a soft question hiding beneath it. “Is there anything else you want to tell me?”

“I think my father hates gays.” I was quick to respond – he asked for it – but as I said it I understood that I didn’t care anymore. He didn’t like anything at all, after all. And I was getting really cold out there. I almost laughed at how insignificant it seemed to me now.

“We, um... will work on that?” Kuro was bewildered; of course he would be. “Is that why you fought yesterday?”

“We didn’t fight, exactly. I... didn’t like his rhetoric. Neither did Mom, and I left before it got out of hand.”

I thought about her; she didn’t deserve it, and she and Dad probably didn’t even understand what set me off so much – just that we had had a quarrel, but couldn’t for the love of magic name the reason besides some stupid teenage quirks of mine, maybe, and the parents unable to keep up with them. At least that’s what muggle parents do on the TV. Funny how I never thought myself to have them, managing to live a completely quiet and normal, teenage-quirk-less life. Funny how much one boy with permanent bed hair could do.

“Look, I don’t know why I’m telling you that. We should really go.”

“As you wish, kitten,” he laughed and pecked me on the nose, so lightly I didn’t even know how – and when – to respond. The cold was probably messing with my brain. “I’m _freezing_.”

“You should’ve stayed home then.” 

“No way, I told you. And since we’re sharing secrets and stuff,” a dramatic pause, “we’ll have to get Bokuto and Akaashi together.”

“We what,” I stopped again, eyeing the windows of my house from the lawn. It was still dark in there, and I switched my attention back to Kuro. “Wait, what? That’s what it was about? You were talking about me and _Akaashi_?”

This made too much sense now. Including them hanging out alone so often. I couldn’t help it now; I laughed, waking up our neighbor’s dog, and we shuffled towards my door.

“Are you serious? Bokuto has a crush on Akaashi? I mean, what are even the odds of that?” What, were we going to be one big gay family now?

“And for the record, I’m not laughing at him. I’m only laughing at how it all comes together now.”

“I appreciate that.” He took a long look at the curtains, then back at me. “Shall I come in?”

“No, I don’t think that’s necessary. Unless you want to. Tea?”

“No, thanks,” he chuckled, “I still have to catch the cat. We will pick you up in about an hour, OK?”

I nodded, taken aback by the close proximity again, as he kissed me over a bag of mostly stuffed animals, and walked away briskly as I fumbled with the keys.

Inside, Mom was waiting for me with a cup of coffee, watching the spoon going in circles inside it.

“Hey. How was the sleepover?” She asked, not sounding fully awake. Our family didn’t handle mornings well.

“Cool,” I said, getting defensive on instinct. “We’re dating now.”

“Thank Merlin,” she yawned, and we never talked about it again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM FINALLY DONE CAN YOU BELIEVE IT.
> 
> as you can see, this was supposed to be a Christmas fic, but a lot happened this winter, and I had to put it on hold for which proved to be too long.
> 
> all the wonderful people who waited for this and subscribed and took some time to leave a comment: thank you so much, and I hope you aren't disappointed now.


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